More than my Reflection
Originally Published December 3, 2024
I have struggled with my body from an early age. From the ages of 4 to 18, I was stuck in a room with a mirror on each wall for hours on end for most days of the week in the tightest clothing known to man, all that to say I was a dancer. It shaped me into who I am. (for better or worse) I know what you’re all thinking by now . . . that this is going to be some melancholy piece about body dysmorphia, but I promise you it’s not. This is a piece about growth but more importantly of working to unlearn the habits that no longer serve me in any healthy way. For example, looking into every department store window I pass as a means to check how my body looks in the reflection. (Spoiler alert: I never look and think to myself wow I look really good) Letting go of this toxic mindset is hard. I could use some complex metaphor here but to put it plainly it’s just hard. To preface, this does not mean I believe that everybody should stop looking at themselves in mirrors, this is just my personal experience so please take what I say with a grain of salt.
I am now 20 years old and attempting to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. Accepting that I no longer and never will again have the body of my teenage self. It’s a strange feeling. Missing the body that I used to loathe so deeply. I am now 20 years old and attempting to love myself how I am. Bloated. Insignificant. Chubby. Worthless. Fat. I am 20 years old and attempting to learn a new vocabulary to describe myself. Beautiful. Authentic. Kind. Interesting. Worthwhile. I am now 20 years old and beginning to realize that my worth is not defined by how closely I fit someone else’s idea of beauty. This realization wasn’t instantaneous. It took time to unlearn what I had been taught about beauty and worth. And as I keep growing, I’ve started to truly understand that my value comes from who I am, not how I look. The validation of others should not impact how I feel about myself. I am now 20 years old and choosing to let go of the past versions of myself and embrace the person I am becoming.
As I continue this journey, I know there will be days when the old habits resurface, when the mirror feels more like a judge than a reflection. But I also know that each day is an opportunity to remind myself that growth isn’t linear. It’s messy, imperfect, and beautiful. For me, the toxic mindset also included comparing my body to others, and constantly feeling that I wasn’t enough unless I fit a certain image. Letting go of these comparisons has been a huge part of my journey. While I may never fully shake the years of conditioning, I can appreciate the small victories, like when I choose to focus on how my body feels instead of how it looks, or when I treat myself with the same kindness I offer to others. And for now, that’s enough. So, I choose to move forward with patience, with kindness, and with the understanding that I am worthy of love exactly as I am.