Girl, so Confusing
Originally published June 2, 2025
Hey!
I just feel like dumping my thoughts today, so let’s get into it. Long time no blog, yknow? It’s June 2nd, 2025. It’s 9:44 a.m. I just finished doing my schoolwork for the week. That’s something I haven’t mentioned; I’m in school again. I’m taking two summer classes: Intro to Environmental Science and History of Motion Pictures (Only my science class has started so far) and it’s going pretty well. I was at a place in my life where I finally wanted to be in school. I haven’t much enjoyed taking college classes, and that’s partially why I ended up at Disney- can’t be an uneducated loser if I’m working a cool job at literally Disney World, at least that was my thought process. So, I signed up for two summer classes and I’m taking it one day at a time, to ease myself back into it. I’m actually excited to be in school again. I’m excited to finally finish my A.A. My friends from home all just finished their junior years of college, about to graduate with their Bachelor’s degrees, and I felt jealous and worse about not getting educated than I did when I was getting educated against my will. Against my will is dramatic, yes, but now I feel like I’m in school because I want to be, not because I’m supposed to be.
Today is also Xander’s birthday. If you don’t know Xan, he’s one of my best friends. We’ve been friends for the better part of 13, 14 years now. This is the first year in a few that I’m not home to throw him a little party. Xan’s not the kind of person who throws a big birthday blowout with all of his friend groups; he keeps them separate and does something with each of them. The friends we share and I are lucky enough to get the actual day of his birthday with him. June 2nd, every year. I wish I could be there this year. Xander and I have a strange and interesting and drama-filled friendship that from the outside looks like a complete telenovela mess, but we understand it and it works, and at the end of the day, nothing could break us apart. We look out for each other and we drive each other crazy and we’re always gonna be best friends when it comes down to it. Happy birthday James, from probably the only girl in the world allowed to call you that.
One of my other best friends, my sister, got engaged this weekend. I’ve mentioned it before, but my sister isn’t talking to me these days. We’ve also been friends for a long time. She’s my oldest friend, and I’ve known life with her longer than I’ve known life without her. We met at the community pool of our apartment complex in 2011, when she was seven and I was six, during the last week of summer. On the first day of school, both of us in a new school and no friends, we were in the same class. We’ve been sisters ever since. After 16 years, a million failed friend groups, a few different schools, moving to Tampa together, masses of boys we don’t speak to anymore, countless family parties, my sister stopped talking to me this past February. It, at least for me, was random, unnatural, concerning, scary, and shattering. I first realized we probably would never speak again when I called her on my way back down home from Orlando, and I was in the McDonald’s parking lot of my hometown. I got my meal and sat down to eat, and after a couple missed phone calls, a six piece happy meal fully gone, and the immediate realization that my lifelong favorite person in the world had blocked me, my happy meal came and went again, and I threw up for the first time since I could remember. I think I was nine the last time. And in the moment, the only thing I could think was that the last time I did, my sister was still my sister. And I did it again. We haven’t spoken since February, and she just got engaged. I found out when my little cousin sent me the picture and the video, and again when Xander called me to break the news. And again when I got more calls and texts. Not many people know that we aren’t talking. That was a really hard moment for me, and I’m still having a hard time with it. How can I not yknow? My best friend got engaged and I didn’t know. She didn’t call me. She didn’t tell me. My absolute closest, favorite, most cherished friend of all. Where she goes, I follow. Where I go, she follows. There’s never been a time in the past 15 years where we haven’t been it. We’ve always been an us. I don’t know, I just never imagined that we would be in this position, and I’m not quite sure what to do about it. There’s essays I could write about us, and this, and I want to talk about it and write about it so badly because it’s all just sitting in my head waiting to be documented and I really can’t no matter how hard I try. Even sitting here now, thinking, ok I’m going to sit down and just get out whatever it is I need to get out today. I sat down today and I thought, I’ve been feeling lost, I’ve been feeling confused. I miss my sister, I’m changing so much. I need to write something. The hard part about being a writer is that sometimes you have to much to say that everything wants to come out at once and it can’t. Like when you overstuff a cabinet in your kitchen and instead of everything toppling out at once, it’s all fighting to be let out first and ends up stuck. I like writing about imaginary people. I don’t enjoy writing about my life as much. It’s too hard. I have too much to say at this moment in time. It’s overwhelming. Maybe I’ll write about some imaginary people tomorrow.
That’s enough of out me for the day. Happy June, Happy Pride Month, Happy Monday. Hope ur mind is slow and quiet and peaceful today.
With love, Willianny
