Me and the Devil (the Internet)

Originally posted January 3, 2025

I have a long and complicated relationship with the internet, more specifically, social media. It’s really bugging me today, so let’s talk about it.

TikTok is by far the most consuming. I’ve had TikTok since 2018, when I would hide it behind two layers of apps in a folder because it was SO embarrassing to have. We go way back, TikTok and I. I’ve had my tastes of virality, most of which are tied to the worst and darkest times of my life, but I can look back and laugh at myself now. My TikTok account is a chronicle of my different fashion phases, a collection of my cherished and favorite edits, and a time capsule of the past 6 years of my life.

My main Instagram account just recently got banned. This account originally served as my spam account in 2021, and on my 17th birthday I committed to posting about my day every. single. day. I posted 365 times until I turned 18, then I archived all those posts, deleted my original main account, and just used my “diary” as my sole Instagram account until a couple weeks ago, when all those days plus all the other posts I’d made in the 2 years that have passed since the end of the diary, were taken away forever. I never looked at these diary posts, age 17 was a very tragic one for me, but sometimes you never know what you have until its gone.

I went about two days Instagramless before I sat down and made a brand new account- my fourth account since I first downloaded the app around my junior year of high school (including the Funky Giraffes account). I’ve always considered myself to have a healthy relationship with social media- I mainly use Instagram to keep up with my friends and TikTok for ideas, inspiration, music, and laughs. I don’t ever find myself jealous of the online personas I come across or feel bad about myself after scrolling for some time. I enjoy what I look at on the internet, and I don’t interact with media that would negatively impact me.

While I don’t have a pessimistic time on the internet, I do spend copious amounts of time reposting and liking. I’ve curbed this habit with a couple different solutions: I deleted TikTok on my phone and limit its use to my Ipad, and on Instagram I (before my account was sweeped) unfollowed all of the bands, celebrities, etc. that I kept up with, so I could only see the posts of my friends and families. These worked for me because I don’t take my Ipad most places, so my TikTok time was severely limited, and because my friends and family don’t post much, so after I’ve seen the latest, there isn’t much to look at.

I have a positive relationship with social media, but I would rather spend my free time doing something with my hands or something to improve my mind, whether it be writing or doing a crossword at my desk or painting a new piece for my room. I would rather use my spare time to do real and tangible things instead of scrolling online. So, it’s hard for me to grasp why I had such a hard time with those Instagram-free days.

With my newfound restart on Instagram, I’ve found myself with a blank slate. There is no prior posts or pictures sitting on my feed. My mind is free to organize my memories however I would like, able to post as frequently or infrequently as I please. In my head, this clean and fresh start means I can do whatever I want to my Instagram, instead of doing what I’d always done when I had the years-old account I did. This freedom led me attempt to change the way I view posting on TikTok also, and I privated most of my videos. Although I don’t hold any personally negative viewpoint towards social media, I’ve newly discovered that I can control my accounts how I see fit in a way that I didn’t see before. While I’ll miss my memories, they honestly live on in my camera roll and in my mind. I’ve come to realize that social media had a crazy hold on me, and now I’m going to try and control it instead.

My best friend Caleb has been off social media for quite awhile now, so I asked him what that’s like for him. I hoped to gain some sort of clarity or insight on how to let go of my dependence on TikTok and Instagram and gain some control over my social media.

I dropped social media for a few reasons. I mainly wanted to escape the culture of it. Believe it or not, social media is a culture and most in the world partake in it. Like most cultures tho, there’s underlying toxicity throughout it. Within this culture I think a new and specific type of narcissism was born. A narcissist system that puts stock in likes and comments. This, I believe, begins to train our brains to base our worth off of these commodities. Therefore people who have more follows or likes or content than you do are seen as being above others. Its something that I took part in for years and I noticed that there was a new type of high I’d feel if a post I made gained traction or if people were complimented me or my post, but with this came the opposite too. When a post would be kicked under the rug and not seen or received how I expected it to it would then bring a whole new and devastating low. This is something I recognized within myself and doesn’t reflect everyone’s experience, but in my case I saw this pattern arising and so I left. Slowly but surely I slipped away from TikTok and then Instagram. Nowadays I have Facebook and Snapchat which I used for communication with family and for Facebook Marketplace. All of this being said though, I’m not trying to say completely dropping off the face of the Earth is for everyone, it’s not even for me, but I think that’s all things in moderation are good, but moderation is a thing of the past in modern society. We all are addicted whether we know it or not. We crave a quick fix, a 30 second video explain something with little to no detail. We want to watch clips of a movie and not the whole movie. Our attention spans are being limited by our devices, when the reality is that the world around us deserves more attention than we give it. So if you take away anything from this, let it be to take breaks, to recognize distractions, and to take things slow. Read a book!, even if it’s just 1 or 2 pages a day. Read that book you’ve been thinking about reading. It’s okay to live slow, pay attention to the world around you. I think you’ll find that it’s quite beautiful if you take the time to really look.

Speaking of, today is Caleb’s birthday. 21 years of being the wisest person and giving the best advice. I love you Cay!!!! Happy birthday.

With love, Willianny