Calming Down
Originally posted January 9, 2025
So I’ve noticed lately that I’ve really mellowed out- in all different aspects of my life. I’m not sure when it started or why it started, but I’ve spent a lot less time being angry or upset or overwhelmed or sad. I’ve spent much more time just existing. I’ve also noticed that I’ve really calmed down style-wise. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, outwardly, I’ve become a calmer girl.
A couple months back I decided it was finally time for me to invest in lasting jewelry, which is led me to exclusively wear these pieces, as opposed to my seashell necklaces or vinyl earrings- my jewelry as grown up, as I would call it. I have found a little fun in mixing metals, though. I think at heart, I’m a gold girl, but I don’t really believe in limiting myself- especially when so much jewelry only comes in one or the other (honestly, I think a splash of the other metal looks much better than all one color).
If you know me, you know I tend to be an eccentric person, and I tend to showcase that through my wardrobe. It’s a personality trait of mine to be able to walk into a thrift store, find the ugliest thing on the rack, and say “I could make this work,” and have the friend stuck with me actually agree. But over the past few weeks, I’ve cycled through the same three outfits, two of which include jeans. Yeah, JEANS. I’ve worn jean-style-pants-that-aren’t-real-denim quite a few times over the years, but I have steered far away from jeans for the better part of my post-high-school life. Since December, I’ve flipped through two pairs of jeans, mismatched with two different tank tops, mismatched with two different cardigans, mismatched with two different pairs of sandals. And I really enjoy it. It’s so easy to get dressed in the morning. When I dressed more “true to myself,” as I thought I did, I had to aggressively think, what patterns match and what patterns clash? Should I wear colorful shoes or colorful pants? how many things can I layer on top of this? How much do funky tights cost? It was a lot for me, if I’m being honest. I enjoyed dressing up and having fun with fashion, but there comes a point where it almost feels like a chore. When I’m not dressing up to have fun anymore, but really I’m dressing up to uphold this creative image that I’ve made for myself. I dressed up for perception, after awhile. I’ve come to realize that I’ve shifted into this want to dress, for lack of a better word (and honestly because it’s what I feel) normal. I’ve been loving dressing regularly. Throwing together a simple, cute, outfit. I didn’t own a single pair of sweatpants until 2024. I never, ever, ever thought that I would ever need to be caught dead in casual clothing. I don’t speak ill of my old style, I love it to this day, I still look to the same places and people where I got inspiration from, and I still love it, it’s just not how I want to wear myself anymore.
I also decided to calm down on my giraffe collection. I have stuffed giraffes, wooden giraffes, plastic giraffes, giraffe shoes, shirts, paintings, a blanket, two puppets, two keychains. I have so many giraffes. Can I be honest? I have no emotional connection or attachment to 95% of them. I love, love, love my giraffes, but somewhere along the line, the obsession became attaining them, as opposed to just, them. So, in the wise advice of my favorite PBS kids show, Carl the Collector, I went out and got some polaroid film and took pictures of every single one of my giraffes (except for the few I’ve already packed away for Disney) and I put them into a special polaroid book that I can bring with me anywhere. I plan on giving away most of them to my family and friends so that they always have a piece of me. I feel a little bit overwhelmed by my collection. And it’s hard for me to let go. In the same sense as the way I dress being a defining part of how I’m presented, my giraffes are a major part of my identity. That’s part of why I have to downsize though. I don’t want it to be part of my identity, it takes the joy and the fun out of collecting. I need space, I need room to breathe, and I need to truly love and appreciate everything that I own, including my giraffes.
In sort of the same vein, I’ve been packing my room up this week, preparing to leave for WDW on Monday, and with all my collectibles and decorations packed away in the hall, I feel like I have room to breathe. I feel so much cleaner, fresher, and more open. Having less, wearing less, overall thinking less, to be honest, is good for me, and I can feel it’s going to continue to be good for me.
Emotionally, I’ve definitely mellowed out. A fun fact about me, I play softball in an adult rec league where my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, make up the majority of our team, and our games used to get HEATED. Honestly, I think a big part of that was me. Even if the game wasn’t heated, I certainly was. I haven’t gotten upset during a game this entire season. I can’t explain it. Nothing really has changed, I haven’t learned anything new or done anything extra. I just haven’t lashed out at other teams or steamed silently on the way home. I realized that the other day, and it made me feel really proud of myself.
The past month, maybe month and a half, I’ve found myself not angry, not (very) anxious, finding a wardrobe that works for me, having more fun, and trying to get a little bit more together. I haven’t had any anxiety attacks, I started going to therapy, I’ve been intentionally going and sitting in the sun. I’m not upset at things that would’ve upset me before- I’m not even really noticing those things anymore. I try to remain unaffected by the emotions or attitudes of other people. I’m remembering that I can’t control everything, and actively letting go of what I can’t. There’s so much I can say about my overstimulating sense of style that I love not having to deal with, or my overwhelming and obsessive need to gather giraffes that I’m ready to loosen my grip on, but I’ll leave it off here. Lately, I’m much calmer, quieter, more fun, more free, more open. Feels good to be calm.
With love, Willianny
